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Part 1 - Vershizna
Part 2 - The Awakening

Dateline: January 27th, 2007

Part 1... Vershizna

I have returned

Vashumpta Tikka Massala Ashwaganda Vindiloo

Loungers, loyal fans, casual stumbles and horror and science fiction aficionados...

Many have been wondering where I have been all these months. This past year. Absent? Remiss? ‘Why hasn’t Ted Raimi added jack-diddly-squat to his blog? I mean, I know I’ve seen him in movies, tv shows. Come on Ted get with the program!’

The program? Shall I tell you something? I am not the program. And yet, I AM the program! I say these things and yet I do not. I am here and yet elsewhere. Confused? You should be, dear fans, you should be...

Get comfortable, grab a chair, loosen your tie, smooth your dress, remove your shoes, dim the lights and I shall tell you the strange tale of....

THE JOURNEY!

Now listen...

In late January of last year, shortly after my last blog, I was much like any other actor in Hollywood. Auditions, movie sets, the works. But then from out of nowhere, like a decent pilot script, I had a strange thought: ... Why? What is the point of blogging? If I blog one blog there will just be one more to write. And what of acting? If I do one more picture or TV show there will just be more and more. Why do it at all? I had reached the frightful point many pass but few dare to contemplate.

And so there I sat, dear fans, day after day in my leather club chair wondering what the meaning of Hollywood and acting had to do with me. My clock chimed. The sun rose and the sun set. Weeks passed as I sat in that chair. Finally my rear end became sore and I stood up.

I KNOW what I must do!

I drove to downtown Hollywood and burst into my agency. My agent Peter stood there. “I’m going to find out what else is out there!” I said to him.

‘Out where? Can you hold on a minute Ted, I have to take this call’, said Peter, waving me off.

“I’m leaving to find out what the REAL me is!”

‘But, but, Ted!’, he stammered (not hanging up the phone), ‘pilot season and more movies are right around the corner’!

“I don’t care”, I shot back, “I’m going to find my purpose, my true self! Just like”, and I made a grand gesture to the window, “THOESE people do everyday!”

‘Ted?’

“Yes?”

‘Did you just steal five bucks out my wallet when I turned around?’

“WHAT? WHAT the $@^# are you saying, Peter?! Are you saying I’m a thief?! Is THAT what you’re saying?!

‘Well, no, it’s just that...’

“This just proved my point! Good day, sir!”

And with that, I left. Sure. I stole the five bucks, but I figured my agent didn’t need it anyway and besides they owed me for a couple of crappy auditions I did out in Temecula.

I walked out onto Hollywood Boulevard and started wandering. Wandering. Wandering. What the hell was I wandering about? Oh yeah. The meaning of it all.

I found myself on the docks, a bum. A week passed. Maybe two. I couldn’t tell, but it was then, on a freezing night, in a dockside swill pit that I heard two sea captains talking.

“Strange things out there”, one of them said.

‘A-yuh,’ said the other. ‘Round a fortnight, out a hunert miles from this very shore I spied me somethin’ awful through the fog. A-yah. Sure enough, it was.”

“Mmmm?”

‘A-yuh, scarier than a Noreaster, chilled my bones wors ‘en an iceburg! Worse even than Ted Raimi’s last indie picture! It was an image, floatin’ o’re the sea: ‘twas the great Vershizna himself!

‘Vershizle?’

“True ‘dat’, my nizzle.”

‘Eh?’

“The one who knows all!’

That was it! The one who could tell me my purpose!

“Captain! I am Ted Raimi! You must take me with you across the sea to see the Great Vershizna!”

‘A-yuh. I can. But you’ll have to pay your way. MY way!”

“Fine, whatever”, I said, “Just get me there. Do you take Diner’s Club?”

For three weeks I sailed on that dirty schooner. All the while, the Captain extracted his “Pay”: Me putting on pretty white dresses and reciting lines from my parts in Xena, Spiderman and Empty City, but what did I care? I was going to see the Great Virshizna!

Dateline: February 4th, 2007

Part 2: The Awakening!

…Days passed on that crummy tub.

I was feeling a little sick to my stomach since Ho Ho’s, Twinkies and beer were the boat’s only faire.

“Mr. VanderKroonch?”, I asked the Norwegian man piloting the boat.

“Cap’n, damn yer eyes!” the old crusty man in the dirty white hat growled. “CAP’N! CAP’N! Ya daft day-playin’ actor ya! You sar, will address me by rank and then Christian name!”

“OK. Cap’n ...Kroonch”, I said. “When will we be in Papadam? The land of the Great Virshizna?”

“Look yonder!” Cap’n Kroonch said as his one good eye danced a little. “For there, beyond the ship-wreckin’ storm ahead is a land so mountainous, no man can pass. So foul, you won’t be able to hold down yer food! And so full of vice even great St. Jack couldn’t keep you from Beelzeebub himself!”

“You shot at Corman Studios, too?”

“But beyond that is the Mountain of Voolyvoosh”, he said.

“Thank goodness...”

“A place even WORSE! Roaches as big as yer fist! Rats so big you’d swear they was cars! The diarrhea makin’ ya...”

“OK! OK. Keep it to yourself, will ya? Sheesh.” I was starting to get anxious, “but what about Papadam?”

“Papadum? Why, it’s right here!” And with that, Cap’n Kroonch pulled the boat to shore.

I stepped off the boat onto a wondrous place. All around me lay strange and beautiful trees and flowers. The earth was covered with delicate tall purple grasses.

Then a strange but cheap odor became stronger and stronger. Like... like...

“...Hey! How’d ya like me new aftershave?!”

“Cap’n Kroonch, quit following me around!”

“Oh. Aye!”

Now where to go? Suddenly, a tiny blue parakeet flapped its way to my shoulder.

“Berkawwwk! I’ll show you! Berkawwk,” it screeched as if answering my unspoken question.

“Say! You must be the magical talking parakeet of the great Virshizna!”

“No, I’m a banana tree, dumb ass! Basqueeek! Of course I’m a talking parakeet! Follow me! Bersqueeech! But, before I take you to He Who Knows All, you must first pass the test!”

“It is understood. I am prepared”, I said. I’d read great scripts like this so I knew what to say.

“Braaak! Stand on this ancient holy spot!”

I did as the magical parakeet told me.

“Now remove your unclean western clothing and get into this simple bright pink loincloth!” I did that, too.

“You will take a deep breath and answer this question. RRRRaaaawk!”

I took a deep breath. I must tell you, dear fans, I was beginning to feel cleansed...

“Tell me Ted, Akawk! Which stunk more, your performance in CSI: New York or Raptor Island 2: Raptor Planet?! Hahahaha! B’SQuak!!”

“Why you little two buck pet, I’ll KILL YA!”

“Here he is!”, the bird blurted.

“Eh?”

“The great Virshizna!”

And with that, the parakeet transformed into He Who Knows All! The Great Virshizna himself! A frail and old man wearing a simple white tunic; he barley stood five feet tall.

“I am he...,” he whispered. A great gong boomed through the distant mountains.

“That’s great! At last! I’ve come so far to ask you...”

“And yet, am not he.”

“Eh?”

“I am in front of you, and yet, behind you!” I turned around and he was there, too! “Hey! Quit that!” I said.

“I have a vague concept of speaking to you now,” he continued, “and yet I give no thought to my speech, my actions or my earthly self at all!”

“Oh. A Method actor.”

He began to levitate. “There are two paths,” he said as he held up his first and second fingers. “The first leads to a river.”

“A river!” I exclaimed, beginning to understand. “Is the river the river of my troubled life?”

“Yes,” he hissed, “but then the river shall become two rivers.”

“So…I have two troubled lives?”

“And it shall flow into a path where a goat sits eating doughnuts.”

I paused. “YES! I see! The second trouble of my life is nothing more than the ILLUSION of a silly goat. The doughnuts represent my desires which, in turn, are being devoured as I cleanse myself!”

“AHHH, and yet the goats wander off into the night. Like a stone, thrown into a still pond...”

“Which pond...?”

“…but the stone cannot hit the water, because there the water is water, and yet, is nothing but earth!”

“Um.. listen...”

“Later, you will find a grapefruit.”

“A what? Come on!”

“You shall eat this grapefruit, but before you do, the grapefruit will again become a river. A river that you once traveled on, but is now a rock.”

“Hey, this is load of horse$&!%” I said, and yet, I couldn’t help but feel connected somehow, as though, I UNDERSTOOD. Yes! I had, I was quite sure now, been awakened!!

The Virshizna opened his palms to the sky and smiled a knowing smile…